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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 41416 times)
jbird
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Gods Creatures are for everyone to enjoy

« Reply #15 on: June 27, 2008, 01:42:55 PM »

If anyone has ever had a divorce before! them kind of thoughts maybe had passed through your mind.   
Good one,    Steve          j45
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Pheasant Hollow Farm
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« Reply #16 on: June 27, 2008, 02:51:19 PM »

Okay one for the day!

Jogging with Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.  But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.  "Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.
       
"No, Five dollars!"  fired back  Clinton .

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued  for days.  He'd run by and she'd yell,  "Fifty dollars!"

And he'd yell back,  "Five dollars!"

One day however,  Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!

As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would  bark her $50  offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them  past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker!

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled..."See what you get for five bucks!?"

Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm

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jbird
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« Reply #17 on: June 27, 2008, 02:58:29 PM »

Could not of been said better
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Pheasant Hollow Farm
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« Reply #18 on: June 27, 2008, 03:08:25 PM »

Could not of been said better

Did you get the PM?

Steve
Pheasant Hollow farm
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frank_lap_127
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« Reply #19 on: June 27, 2008, 03:29:32 PM »

 j45 j45 j45 j45
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jbird
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« Reply #20 on: June 27, 2008, 10:40:13 PM »

Could not of been said better

Did you get the PM?

Steve
Pheasant Hollow farm

Yes I did, loved it
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Pheasant Hollow Farm
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« Reply #21 on: June 28, 2008, 03:17:53 AM »

Enjoy j2

Steve
Pheasnt Hollow Farm


An airplane is about to crash

There are 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger says, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player.  I can't afford to die."  So he takes the first pack and jumps out of the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton says, "I am the wife of the former president of the United States, and a senator from New York and a potential future president.  And I am the smartest woman in the history of the United States, so America's people don't want me to die."  She takes the second pack and jumps out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry says, "I'm a Senator, and a
decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America.  I was my party's nominee for president."  So he grabs the pack next to him and jumps.

The fourth passenger, President George W. Bush, looks at the fifth passenger, a 10-year old school girl, and says, "I have lived a full life, and served my country well.  I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The girl says, "That's okay, Mr. President.  There's a parachute
left for you.  America's smartest woman took my schoolbag." 


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jbird
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Gods Creatures are for everyone to enjoy

« Reply #22 on: June 28, 2008, 02:18:19 PM »

I hope our wives don't read this one.  But on the other hand they might agree with it,  (mine did)
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CharlieHorse
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Northern Bobwhites

« Reply #23 on: June 28, 2008, 05:17:38 PM »

 :x  I absolutely hate jokes.   :x

                     j10




                                                                                                                             


                                                                                                                    c49
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frank_lap_127
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« Reply #24 on: June 28, 2008, 06:28:23 PM »

  s020

What a beautiful story  j45.

Too bad that I can't say some jokes here, too dark humor, the moderators will kick my @$$ from here  s020

Frank
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jbird
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« Reply #25 on: June 29, 2008, 12:57:53 PM »

I don't know how many of you have read this one, but I thought it sure makes a point.
 
Junk e-mails
I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.
 

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

 

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last   person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. 

 

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

 

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces. 

 

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

 

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

 

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.  Yuck!

 

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

 

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

 

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

 

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

 

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out   for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

 

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

 

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

 

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward  an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

 

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

 

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

 

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

 

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

 

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

 

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

 

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

 

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

 

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

 

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

 

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

 

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown   African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

 

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

 

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

 

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

 

Have a wonderful day...

 

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

 

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

 

 
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CharlieHorse
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Northern Bobwhites

« Reply #26 on: June 29, 2008, 01:39:54 PM »



 That just burns my hide.       j10










                                                                                                         c49
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jbird
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Gods Creatures are for everyone to enjoy

« Reply #27 on: June 29, 2008, 01:52:39 PM »

Just a question   was your hand on the mouse ?   Mine was, I guess that reminds me of something I already know
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Pheasant Hollow Farm
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« Reply #28 on: June 30, 2008, 11:35:14 AM »

Joke of the day s020

enjoy........

Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm



A night at the theatre.

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, ''Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.''

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. ''Sir,'' the usher said, ''if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.''

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly. ''All right buddy, what's your name?''

''Sam,'' the man moaned.

''Where ya from, Sam?'' the cop asked.

''From up in the balcony.''

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wildergamebirds
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« Reply #29 on: June 30, 2008, 12:11:17 PM »


  Now that one was funny.

  Saw it comin' but it was still funny.
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