Joke of the day

[jbird]

*A **successful business man was growing old and knew it was time
to choose a successor to take over the business.

Instead of choosing one of his directors or his children, he decided to
do something different. He called all the young executives in his
company together.

He said, "It is time for me to step down and choose the next CEO. I have
decided to choose one of you. "The young executives were shocked, but
the boss continued."I am going to give each one of you a SEED today -
one very special SEED. I want you to plant the seed, water it, and come
back here one year from today with what you have grown from the seed I
have given you. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one
I choose will be the next CEO"*
**
**
*One man, named Jim, was there that day and he, like the others, received
a seed. He went home and excitedly, told his wife the story.

She helped him get a pot, soil and compost and he planted the seed.
Everyday, he would water it and watch to see if it had grown.
After about three weeks, some of the other executives began to talk
about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow. Jim kept
checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, four weeks, five
weeks went by, still nothing. By now, others were talking about their
plants, but Jim didn't have a plant and he felt like a failure.*
*Six months went by--still nothing in Jim's pot.
He just knew he had killed his seed.
Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had
nothing.
Jim didn't say anything to his colleagues, however.
He just kept watering and fertilizing the soil -
He so wanted the seed to grow.*
*A year finally went by and all the young executives of the company
brought their plants to the CEO for inspection. Jim told his wife that
he wasn't going to take an empty pot. But she asked him to be honest
about what happened. Jim felt sick at his stomach, it was going to be
the most embarrassing moment of his life, but he knew his wife was
right. He took his empty pot to the board room. When Jim arrived, he was
amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other executives. They were
beautiful--in all shapes and sizes. Jim put his empty pot on the floor
and many of his colleagues laughed, a few felt sorry for him!

When the CEO arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted his young executives.
Jim just tried to hide in the back.
"My, what great plants,
trees, and flowers you have grown," said The CEO.
"Today one of you will be appointed the next CEO!"
All of a sudden, the CEO spotted Jim at the back of the room with his empty
pot. He ordered the financial director to bring him to the front.
Jim was terrified. He thought,
"The CEO knows I'm a failure!
Maybe he will have me fired!"*
**
*When Jim got to the front, the CEO asked him what had happened to his
seed - Jim told him the story.

The CEO asked everyone to sit down except Jim. He looked at Jim, and
then announced to the young executives, * *"Behold your next Chief
Executive!

His name is Jim!" *
*Jim couldn't believe it. Jim couldn't even grow his
seed. How could he be the new CEO the others said?

Then the CEO said, "One year ago today, I gave everyone in this room a
seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back
to me today.

But I gave you all boiled seeds; they were dead - it was not possible
for them to grow. All of you, except Jim, have brought me trees and
plants and flowers.

When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another
seed for the one I gave you. Jim was the only one with the courage and
honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one
who will be the new Chief Executive!"*

If you plant honesty, you will reap trust

If you plant goodness, you will reap friends

If you plant humility, you will reap greatness

If you plant perseverance, you will reap contentment

If you plant consideration, you will reap perspective

If you plant hard work, you will reap success

If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation

If you plant faith in Christ, you will reap a harvest

So, be careful what you plant now; it will determine what you will reap
later.

[greyghost]

One spring day the young Brave walked into his father's teepee, and asked the Chief; " Father, how do you name the children of the tribe?"

 The weathered Indian thought a while, and said; " Children are named for the first thing seen after the birth, when exiting the teepee. For example, your sister, running deer, and your brother howling wolf. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fu%^ing?"

[Nate F.]

Three men were working together building a sky skraper, An Italian, a mexican and a blonde american.  They all sit down for lunch on a beam.  The Italian opens his lunch and exclaims, " Pizza!  If I get pizza one more day i'll jump off this beam!"  The Mexican opens his lunch and exclaims, "Fajitas!  If I get Fajitas one more day I'm going to jump off this beam!"  The blonde American opens his lunch and yells, "Ham and cheese!  If I get ham and cheese once more I'm going to jump off this beam!"  The next day they all go to work and all get the same lunches.  All three jump off the beam and fall to their deathes.  At the funeral the wives of the three are greiving together.  The Italian's wife laments, "If only I had know... I could have made him something other than pizza!"  The Mexicans wife echoes her plea.  They both look at the blonde americans wife expecting a similar lament, "What?"  she asks, "he makes his own lunches!"

[slider]

An ole man was sitting at the food court in the Mall eating his lunch and was staring at a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in alot of different colors...green, red, blue,yellow and  orange. The teenager keep noticing the ole man staring at him all the time. The teenager finally turned to the ole man and said in a very sarcastically tone of voice...whats the matter ole man never done anything wild in your life??? The ole man answered with out batting an eye...yep got drunk once and had sex with a peacock I was just wondering if you were my son !!!!!!!!

[Pheasant Hollow Farm]

An ole man was sitting at the food court in the Mall eating his lunch and was staring at a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in alot of different colors...green, red, blue,yellow and  orange. The teenager keep noticing the ole man staring at him all the time. The teenager finally turned to the ole man and said in a very sarcastically tone of voice...whats the matter ole man never done anything wild in your life??? The ole man answered with out batting an eye...yep got drunk once and had sex with a peacock I was just wondering if you were my son !!!!!!!!

slider,

I have that one in my files j41  I like that one as well.

Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm

[Pheasant Hollow Farm]

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one

Enjoy

Steve
Pheasant Hollow farm


Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[slider]

  

[Pheasant Hollow Farm]

Enjoy!

Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm


John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.


He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the
soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was,
too.

But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't
rung at all!

John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.

The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County
Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they awarded him the Pullets Surprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our
planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

 j41

[Nate F.]

nice 

[jbird]

 Loved it.       

[birddog]

I hope this is ok.  the college journalism grad at her first newspaper job. wanted to be a reporter kept bothering her boss. for a real reporting assignment.finally the boss called her in to the office and told her there was a story that she could report on.not much but a place to start. she was told to go to the Indian reservation and interviewthe people on there way of life. so all excited the would be reporter went to the reservation. the first Indian brave she encountered had a  feather in his headband. she went right up to him and asked  excuse me but why do you have one feather in your headband ? and the brave replied because me make love to one squaw. thats interesting she said and she took some notes. moving along she encountered another brave with three feathers. excuse me she asked but why do you have three feathers?and he said because me make love to three squaw. thats interesting she said and took some more notes. then she met the chief in his ceremonial headdress. she went right up to him and asked excuse me chief but why do you have so many feathers in your headdress. and he said because me make love to all squaw. and she replied OH how hostile! the chief said  hostile , dogstyle , anystyle. OH dear she replied  to witch the chief replied back no deer tail too high run too fast

[Pheasant Hollow Farm]

I hope this is ok.  the college journalism grad at her first newspaper job. wanted to be a reporter kept bothering her boss. for a real reporting assignment.finally the boss called her in to the office and told her there was a story that she could report on.not much but a place to start. she was told to go to the Indian reservation and interviewthe people on there way of life. so all excited the would be reporter went to the reservation. the first Indian brave she encountered had a  feather in his headband. she went right up to him and asked  excuse me but why do you have one feather in your headband ? and the brave replied because me make love to one squaw. thats interesting she said and she took some notes. moving along she encountered another brave with three feathers. excuse me she asked but why do you have three feathers?and he said because me make love to three squaw. thats interesting she said and took some more notes. then she met the chief in his ceremonial headdress. she went right up to him and asked excuse me chief but why do you have so many feathers in your headdress. and he said because me make love to all squaw. and she replied OH how hostile! the chief said  hostile , dogstyle , anystyle. OH dear she replied  to witch the chief replied back no deer tail too high run too fast

 j45

Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm

[wildergamebirds]

  Must have been from some eastern tribe.  Everyone from the palins knows how to overcome such minor obstacles (especially in Wyoming, where the men are all man.  And the sheep know it!

[birddog]

that must be why you are called WILDER gamebirds  I always thought it was Vermont where the men are men and the sheep are nervous

[Pheasant Hollow Farm]

Enjoy

Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm


On Election day, a Young Republicans vehicle died on a country road.....
Knowing he had to get his vote in he decided to take his chances hitching a ride..

5 minutes down the road a man pulls over and asks him if he needs a lift.
The voter was so relieved and hops into the car.

A few minutes into the trip the driver asks him if he had voted yet.
The youngster replies "No I was on my way to do so when my car broke down".
"Good thing I was around for you to get a lift to exercise your right to vote" said the driver.
Then the driver said "If you dont mind me asking what are you a Dem or Republican?"

The youth responded "Im a Proud Republi.....
But before he could finish his words...

The driver slammed on the breaks and started screaming at the young would be voter....
You no good lousy stinkin republican get out of my car.........
The young man shocked...Exited the car and stood in the middle of the road as the gentleman continued to rant and rave as he drove away.

so.....The young man again started on his desperate journey.....

A few minutes later another car pickedd him up.....
But the same thing happened and he found himself again in the middle of the road as a Nasty Democrat left him stranded on Election Day.....

Finally....Another car drove up.....It was a nice Red Convertible Sports Car......

When the young Republican ran to the car, he was awe-struck by this beautiful young woman driver who asked if he needed a ride.
He said yes and down the road they went.

A few minutes into the trip the young woman asked him if he had voted yet,
which his response was "not yet, I was on my way when my car broke down".

Then she asked what party he was voting for....

Hesitating for a moment.....

He thought......

Then said I'm voting Democratic Party...

The young woman perked up and said well that is great we have something in common.....

The young man was so relieved........
For the next few minutes the Young man could not help but notice the beauty of the woman driver.

Her long soft hair whisping gently in the air
Her Blouse, low cut, loose, rippeling softly in the breeze, the sun playing off her hair and supple breast.
Her short skirt riding ever higher revealing more and more of her beautiful shapely legs to the upper thigh........

"OH MY GOD YOU HAVE TO PULL OVER AND LET ME OUT OF THIS VEHICLE RIGHT NOW" Screamed the young man.....
The woman shocked slows down and stops at the side of the road.....

As the young man is exiting the car the woman asks;
"What is wrong?..
Why do you need to get out of the car?
Are you Ill?

The Young man gathers himself and says;
Look....This is wrong....Yoou need to go.......
I have been a Democrat for less than 5 minutes......

And already I am trying to figure out how to screw someone.........