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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 73838 times)
Pheasant Hollow Farm
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« Reply #105 on: October 16, 2008, 06:24:25 AM »

 s020 so true.

Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
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Specializing in Manchurian Ring-necked Pheasants and Melanistic Mutant Pheasants for release, propagation and the hunting community. Licensed by the State of WV. DNR# D6-42-23-GF1
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« Reply #106 on: October 20, 2008, 08:19:00 PM »

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost.  She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below.

 

She shouts to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me?  I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

 

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.  You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.0 9 minutes west longitude.

 

She rolls her eyes and says, 'You must be supporting John McCain!'

 

'I am,' replies the man. 'How did you know?'

 

'Well,' answers the balloonist, 'everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost.  Frankly, you're not much help to me.

 

The man smiles and responds, 'You must be for Obama.'

 

'I am,' replies the balloonist.  'How did you know?' 'Well,' says the man, 'You don't know where you are or where you're going.  You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.  You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem.  You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.'

 

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« Reply #107 on: November 03, 2008, 12:12:20 PM »

One night during the local hunting season a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy country bar for possible DUI violations. 

At closing time, he saw a hunter tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, then try his keys in five different cars before he found his.  He sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. 

All the other hunters left the bar and drove off.  Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.  The police officer was waiting for him.  He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.  The results showed a reading of 0.00. 

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.  The hunter replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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Pheasant Hollow Farm
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« Reply #108 on: November 03, 2008, 12:29:30 PM »

 j45

That's good.

Steve
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Pheasant Hollow Farm
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« Reply #109 on: November 03, 2008, 12:35:36 PM »

Have you been watching the stock market????

Best advice I can give.


Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share, and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON.

 

Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:

Ceramic Toilet, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, and Northern Tissue Company.

Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your Ceramic Toilet, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas.

You may be interested to know that, Northern Tissue, touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.

It's a tough market out there. Be careful!

Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm

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What do you mean I have to press 1 for english.

« Reply #110 on: November 03, 2008, 09:04:07 PM »

Two Rednecks were sitting around looking at the womens clothing section of a Sears catalog. One redneck said to the other, boy look at those women that they have forsale in this catalog. The other Redneck said yea and look how cheap they are. The first Redneck said I think that I will order me one and see how they are. The second Redneck said ok you do that and if she works out then I will order me one.
A couple of weeks later the second Redneck came by the first Rednecks house and ask him had the woman from the catalog came yet. The first redneck said not yet but she should be here soon...her clothes came today....
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Pheasant Hollow Farm
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« Reply #111 on: November 04, 2008, 03:52:35 AM »

Two Rednecks were sitting around looking at the womens clothing section of a Sears catalog. One redneck said to the other, boy look at those women that they have forsale in this catalog. The other Redneck said yea and look how cheap they are. The first Redneck said I think that I will order me one and see how they are. The second Redneck said ok you do that and if she works out then I will order me one.
A couple of weeks later the second Redneck came by the first Rednecks house and ask him had the woman from the catalog came yet. The first redneck said not yet but she should be here soon...her clothes came today....

not yet but she should be here soon...her clothes came today....


 j45 j45 j45 j45 j45 j45     s020    j45 j45 j45 j45 j45 j45

I gess ya gotta doo whatcha gotta duu, or jest go wit the flo.  s020

That's the best one by yet. s98 slider s98

Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm

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What do you mean I have to press 1 for english.

« Reply #112 on: November 04, 2008, 06:49:10 AM »

 s020
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ode2god
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« Reply #113 on: November 05, 2008, 10:47:41 PM »

  awesome jokes guys im impressed  j41 i got one :blonde mom was cooking thanksgiving dinner and her kitchen caught fire she dialed 911 /amazing she knew the number / and the fire dept ..said ,"maam how do we get to your house "...s176 she aggravated said ,"duhhh in your truck"... :-* j1
« Last Edit: November 05, 2008, 10:49:30 PM by ode2god » Logged
Pheasant Hollow Farm
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EST. 2001 Owner/Operator Located in Slate, WV

« Reply #114 on: November 06, 2008, 04:37:22 AM »

  awesome jokes guys im impressed  j41 i got one :blonde mom was cooking thanksgiving dinner and her kitchen caught fire she dialed 911 /amazing she knew the number / and the fire dept ..said ,"maam how do we get to your house "...s176 she aggravated said ,"duhhh in your truck"... :-* j1

That doesn't sound like a joke ode, it sounds more like a personal experience.

Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
« Last Edit: November 06, 2008, 04:40:08 AM by Pheasant Hollow Farm » Logged

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ode2god
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« Reply #115 on: November 06, 2008, 04:59:14 PM »

  awesome jokes guys im impressed  j41 i got one :blonde mom was cooking thanksgiving dinner and her kitchen caught fire she dialed 911 /amazing she knew the number / and the fire dept ..said ,"maam how do we get to your house "...s176 she aggravated said ,"duhhh in your truck"... :-* j1

That doesn't sound like a joke ode, it sounds more like a personal experience.

Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
                                                                                                            lol how didya know ? j1 heres another a blonde kidnapped a kid and sent him home with a ransome note, it read send 10000.00 or youll never  see your kid again ..the kid came back 2 hrs later with the money and another note " how could one blonde do this to another?"  s176  llol are you a blonde pleasant lol
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Pheasant Hollow Farm
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« Reply #116 on: November 07, 2008, 04:52:04 AM »

lol how didya know ? j1 heres another a blonde kidnapped a kid and sent him home with a ransome note, it read send 10000.00 or youll never  see your kid again ..the kid came back 2 hrs later with the money and another note " how could one blonde do this to another?"  s176  llol are you a blonde pleasant lol

No,,,, actually I am getting quite gray. s49

Steve
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« Reply #117 on: November 07, 2008, 04:24:33 PM »

A man walks into a restaurant


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.  The waitress asks them for their orders.

 
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

 
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

 
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

 
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

 
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

 
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

 
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

 
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

 
"Same," says the ostrich.

 
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

 
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

 
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

 
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.  When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

 
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.  "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

 
"That's right.  Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

 
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

 
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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« Reply #118 on: November 07, 2008, 07:06:08 PM »

old joke:

Joe owned one of the finest bird dogs ever seen. It had won many trophies over the years. One day, Joe got a call from a friend named Bob, who asked if he could borrow the dog to go pheasant hunting on saturday.

Well, Joe told him that he never loaned his dog to hunt, and asked Bob if he had ever hunted with a dog. Bob said "Oh sure, grew up hunting with a dog". "Well then, you're a pretty good friend, I guess you can use him", Joe agreed.

Saturday, Bob showed up, and Joe brought out his champion dog and loaded him in the truck."Good luck", Joe said,"hope you brought plenty of shells, see you later". That evening, Bob came back to Joe's, and Joe came out to meet them. "Well, how many did you get?", Joe asked. "We didn't get any" Bob shouted. "That's unbelievable" Joe exclaimed.

Bob said,"Yea, it was the funniest thing, we got there, I loaded my gun, I let out your dog and we started hunting. All of a sudden, your dog stopped. He had his head pointing straight forward, his ears were straight forward, his back was straight as an arrow, his tail was pointing straight back, his one paw was lifted up off the ground, and he just stood there. Couple swift kicks in the @$$ broke him of that stuff".

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Pheasant Hollow Farm
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« Reply #119 on: November 09, 2008, 05:04:05 AM »

Enjoy!

Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm


Hillbilly Medical Terms

Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria...................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.....................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section....A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan..................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma.......................A punctuation mark.
D&C........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.....................Not a friend.
Fester.....................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
G.I.Series................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid....................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.......................I knew it.
Outpatient.............A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...............A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.......A letter carrier.
Recovery Room......Place to do upholstery.
Rectum..................Damn near killed him.
Secretion...............Hiding something
Seizure...................Roman emperor.
Tablet....................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor....................More than one.
Urine.....................Opposite of mine.
Varicose.................Near by/close by.
« Last Edit: November 09, 2008, 05:06:33 AM by Pheasant Hollow Farm » Logged

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