Since I haven't contributed, here my Jokes for the days I've missed.
2 Old Men ...
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The Madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference'. The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home, the first man says, 'You know, I think my girl was dead!'
'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?'
'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.'
His friend says, 'Could be worse, I think mine was a witch!'
'A witch! Why the hell would you say that?'
'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite,
then she farted and flew out the window ... took my teeth with her!'
When I'm Broke, I'm Broke ....
A little old sweet hearted lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young Gentle Business Man carrying a Vacuum Cleaner.
'Good morning,' Said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of your precious minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said the old traditional lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door without further shyness ! !.
Quick as a flash, this young strong handsome Sales Man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my 'demonstration'. And with that, he emptied a bucket of her own stabled Horse Manure onto her hallway carpet.
'If this Vacuum Cleaner does not remove all the traces of this Horse Manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
The old lady stepped back with a grin and Said Happily, 'Well let me get you a spoon, 'Cause they cut off my Electricity this morning.'
3 Women .......
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We! only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and fit.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!'
Naming The BabiesThere was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her not too bright brother.
When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.
When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.
He said, "The first one was a girl."
The mother: "What did you name her?!?"
Brother: "Denise!"
The Mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"
Brother: "The second one was a boy."
The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name him?"
Brother: "Denephew."
Finally my hubby sent me this ........... Not sure what he's trying to say ....
My wife, Susan, started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.
Yesterday afternoon, Susan narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather.
Thank God our kids were with me at Newburgh this weekend. The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Susan was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.
Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was very lucky.
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