That Quail Place Forum
Our Member's Section => Off Topic Discussion and Current Event's => Topic started by: jbird on June 23, 2008, 02:12:10 PM
-
MISBEHAVING
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the misbehaving that was going on. So he called one of his angels to go to Earth for a time. When he returned, the angel told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
No?
Okay, just checkin' with ya. I didn't get one either...
-
s020
-
Now that's an e-mail I never would have got j45 j45
-
I thought there might be a few of us that would look at that way. i9
-
I would share the contents with you guys, but it was confidential, and I choose to keep him on my side, for now, at least. i3
-
see how you are
-
Baptist Cowgirl!!
A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia , the other is in Dublin .
When we all left our home in Arkansas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains," It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.
"Hasn't affected my sisters though!"
thought you all might like this one. ( no pun intended )
-
j45
-
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room,
so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally
left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his
error, sent the email to another recipient.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived
and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
j41
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
-
j45 j45
-
That would be a shock j2 j2 j2
Good one j41
-
That's one I haven't heard!! s020 s020
-
Divorce settlement
A married couple is driving (55 mph) down the interstate. The wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been
married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases to 60 mph.
She says, "I want the house."
Again the husband speeds up to 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too."
The husband just keeps driving faster and faster, speeding to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."
The husband slowly starts to veer towards a bridge, as she says,
"Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "Really? What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,
"I've got the airbag!"
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
-
So true j41
-
s020
-
If anyone has ever had a divorce before! them kind of thoughts maybe had passed through your mind.
Good one, Steve j45
-
Okay one for the day!
Jogging with Bill Clinton
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow. "Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.
"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton .
This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled..."See what you get for five bucks!?"
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
-
Could not of been said better
-
Could not of been said better
Did you get the PM?
Steve
Pheasant Hollow farm
-
j45 j45 j45 j45
-
Could not of been said better
Did you get the PM?
Steve
Pheasant Hollow farm
Yes I did, loved it
-
Enjoy j2
Steve
Pheasnt Hollow Farm
An airplane is about to crash
There are 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger says, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player. I can't afford to die." So he takes the first pack and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton says, "I am the wife of the former president of the United States, and a senator from New York and a potential future president. And I am the smartest woman in the history of the United States, so America's people don't want me to die." She takes the second pack and jumps out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry says, "I'm a Senator, and a
decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America. I was my party's nominee for president." So he grabs the pack next to him and jumps.
The fourth passenger, President George W. Bush, looks at the fifth passenger, a 10-year old school girl, and says, "I have lived a full life, and served my country well. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The girl says, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute
left for you. America's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
-
I hope our wives don't read this one. But on the other hand they might agree with it, (mine did)
-
:x I absolutely hate jokes. :x
j10
c49
-
s020
What a beautiful story j45.
Too bad that I can't say some jokes here, too dark humor, the moderators will kick my @$$ from here s020
Frank
-
I don't know how many of you have read this one, but I thought it sure makes a point.
Junk e-mails
I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.
Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day...
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late
-
That just burns my hide. j10
c49
-
Just a question was your hand on the mouse ? Mine was, I guess that reminds me of something I already know
-
Joke of the day s020
enjoy........
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
A night at the theatre.
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, ''Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.''
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. ''Sir,'' the usher said, ''if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.''
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly. ''All right buddy, what's your name?''
''Sam,'' the man moaned.
''Where ya from, Sam?'' the cop asked.
''From up in the balcony.''
-
Now that one was funny.
Saw it comin' but it was still funny.
-
Just a question
Mice are for sissies........I use a snappin' turtle. In your case, probably a rat.
:-*
-
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late
Just a question was your hand on the mouse ? Mine was, I guess that reminds me of something I already know
There was no offense intended, it's that I think most of us read our e-mail with a hand on the mouse control
-
::)
???
You lost me man!? :-|
Seems to be some confusion here? :-o
But if you're talkin' "trash" , I don't want any part of it.
:cool:
-
Second J.O.D. s020
Enjoy
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
A young guy from TEXAS moves to OKLAHOMA and goes
to a big "everything under one roof" department store
looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales
experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in TEXAS. "
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him
a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold
him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy some hygiene products for his wife,
and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing........."
-
j45
-
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late
Just a question was your hand on the mouse ? Mine was, I guess that reminds me of something I already know
There was no offense intended, it's that I think most of us read our e-mail with a hand on the mouse control
Hand on the mouse, huh? Depends on the e-mail, I suppose. My filter stops that kind.
-
I hope this isn't to ............ What's the word I am looking for? If so I will delete this post.
Otherwise, Enjoy j2
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
Guts or Balls...
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
Author unknown
-
This ole cowboy was sitting in Starbucks having a cup of coffee and this young women came in and sat down beside him. They just sat there drinking there coffee and the young lady leaned over to the ole cowboy and said...are you a real cowboy? the ole cowboy thought for a minute and said to the young woman...yes I guess I am I have spent all of my life tending to cows and horses and dogs and building fences and baling hay and pulling calfs..They just sat there for a few minutes and the young woman leaned over to the ole cowboy and said...I am a Lesbian I think about women all day long everything that I do I think about women. I even dream about women when I am sleeping..The ole cowboy just sat there saying nothing and this young guy comes in and sits down on the other side of him and in a few minutes the young man leans over and ask the ole cowboy...are you a real cowboy...the ole cowboy thought for a minute and said to the young man...I thought that I was but I just found out that I am a Lesbian...
-
j41
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
-
Steve i figgerd you would like that one....
-
Slider deserves an extra Karma point for cleaning that one up, without losing the point.
-
Enjoy j41 lunch time is over s176
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
What's in a name?
Subject: Psychiatrist
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers
and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even
named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's
name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving......... j44
-
Great one
j45
-
s020 s020 s020 s020
-
I've heard of taking your marbles and going home, but never........
-
I was concerned about the message of this one, but after the guts and balls thing, I think I'm good....
DON'T MESS WITH FARM KIDS
A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
'Not yet,' said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.
'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You gonna tell him or should I?'
-
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You gonna tell him or should I?'
s020
-
Huh? 'Splain it to me, Lucy.
-
Rastus momma says Rastus where you at...Rastus says under da house...Rastus momma says Rastus what you doing under da house...Rastus says..I`m eatin raisins...Momma says Rastus where you get them raisins...Rastus says....OFF DA DOG....
Rastus cousin comes in da house and says...Rastus where you at..Rastus says ...in da kitchen layin Linoleum..Rastus cousin says...has Linoleum got a sister....
-
Since I haven't contributed, here my Jokes for the days I've missed.
2 Old Men ...
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The Madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference'. The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home, the first man says, 'You know, I think my girl was dead!'
'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?'
'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.'
His friend says, 'Could be worse, I think mine was a witch!'
'A witch! Why the hell would you say that?'
'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite,
then she farted and flew out the window ... took my teeth with her!'
When I'm Broke, I'm Broke ....
A little old sweet hearted lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young Gentle Business Man carrying a Vacuum Cleaner.
'Good morning,' Said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of your precious minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said the old traditional lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door without further shyness ! !.
Quick as a flash, this young strong handsome Sales Man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my 'demonstration'. And with that, he emptied a bucket of her own stabled Horse Manure onto her hallway carpet.
'If this Vacuum Cleaner does not remove all the traces of this Horse Manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
The old lady stepped back with a grin and Said Happily, 'Well let me get you a spoon, 'Cause they cut off my Electricity this morning.'
3 Women .......
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We! only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and fit.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!'
Naming The Babies
There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her not too bright brother.
When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.
When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.
He said, "The first one was a girl."
The mother: "What did you name her?!?"
Brother: "Denise!"
The Mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"
Brother: "The second one was a boy."
The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name him?"
Brother: "Denephew."
Finally my hubby sent me this ........... Not sure what he's trying to say ....
My wife, Susan, started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.
Yesterday afternoon, Susan narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather.
Thank God our kids were with me at Newburgh this weekend. The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Susan was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.
Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was very lucky.
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v285/seesaw/Forum%20Pics/Broom.jpg)
-
Very well done Suz s98
slider and jaime, I've heard them before..
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
-
Yep them were jokes that I heard when I was a kid.....
-
Yep them were jokes that I heard when I was a kid.....
slider,
It is amazing how they still make the rounds and lose very little content.
Here's a Dirty joke my daughter told me when she was 5 years old.
Six(6) White horses fell in the mud s020 Now some of the jokes and stories she has to tell from being a RN, even puts me to shame. s47
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
-
Huh? 'Splain it to me, Lucy.
Uh, no.
-
Jaime,
Maybe that wilder is just only too old to understand s020 (just a joke!)
Frank
-
Naw, not too old to understand, I may soon be too old to remember, when does that happen?
Slider?
-
Very well done Suz s98
slider and jaime, I've heard them before..
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
Well, t15
Naw, not too old to understand, I may soon be too old to remember, when does that happen?
Slider?
I guess I am needing clarification as to if you are asking when you become too old ro remember the joke or when something else happened..... i9
-
I still tell jokes I heard when I was ten. Word for word, unless they needed modification.
So that's not it.
-
Well, I guess all I can say is that is sure don't happen after you kick the cat!!! s020 a34
-
If his cat is still alive s020
-
*A **successful business man was growing old and knew it was time
to choose a successor to take over the business.
Instead of choosing one of his directors or his children, he decided to
do something different. He called all the young executives in his
company together.
He said, "It is time for me to step down and choose the next CEO. I have
decided to choose one of you. "The young executives were shocked, but
the boss continued."I am going to give each one of you a SEED today -
one very special SEED. I want you to plant the seed, water it, and come
back here one year from today with what you have grown from the seed I
have given you. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one
I choose will be the next CEO"*
**
**
*One man, named Jim, was there that day and he, like the others, received
a seed. He went home and excitedly, told his wife the story.
She helped him get a pot, soil and compost and he planted the seed.
Everyday, he would water it and watch to see if it had grown.
After about three weeks, some of the other executives began to talk
about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow. Jim kept
checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, four weeks, five
weeks went by, still nothing. By now, others were talking about their
plants, but Jim didn't have a plant and he felt like a failure.*
*Six months went by--still nothing in Jim's pot.
He just knew he had killed his seed.
Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had
nothing.
Jim didn't say anything to his colleagues, however.
He just kept watering and fertilizing the soil -
He so wanted the seed to grow.*
*A year finally went by and all the young executives of the company
brought their plants to the CEO for inspection. Jim told his wife that
he wasn't going to take an empty pot. But she asked him to be honest
about what happened. Jim felt sick at his stomach, it was going to be
the most embarrassing moment of his life, but he knew his wife was
right. He took his empty pot to the board room. When Jim arrived, he was
amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other executives. They were
beautiful--in all shapes and sizes. Jim put his empty pot on the floor
and many of his colleagues laughed, a few felt sorry for him!
When the CEO arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted his young executives.
Jim just tried to hide in the back.
"My, what great plants,
trees, and flowers you have grown," said The CEO.
"Today one of you will be appointed the next CEO!"
All of a sudden, the CEO spotted Jim at the back of the room with his empty
pot. He ordered the financial director to bring him to the front.
Jim was terrified. He thought,
"The CEO knows I'm a failure!
Maybe he will have me fired!"*
**
*When Jim got to the front, the CEO asked him what had happened to his
seed - Jim told him the story.
The CEO asked everyone to sit down except Jim. He looked at Jim, and
then announced to the young executives, * *"Behold your next Chief
Executive!
His name is Jim!" *
*Jim couldn't believe it. Jim couldn't even grow his
seed. How could he be the new CEO the others said?
Then the CEO said, "One year ago today, I gave everyone in this room a
seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back
to me today.
But I gave you all boiled seeds; they were dead - it was not possible
for them to grow. All of you, except Jim, have brought me trees and
plants and flowers.
When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another
seed for the one I gave you. Jim was the only one with the courage and
honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one
who will be the new Chief Executive!"*
If you plant honesty, you will reap trust
If you plant goodness, you will reap friends
If you plant humility, you will reap greatness
If you plant perseverance, you will reap contentment
If you plant consideration, you will reap perspective
If you plant hard work, you will reap success
If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation
If you plant faith in Christ, you will reap a harvest
So, be careful what you plant now; it will determine what you will reap
later.
-
One spring day the young Brave walked into his father's teepee, and asked the Chief; " Father, how do you name the children of the tribe?"
The weathered Indian thought a while, and said; " Children are named for the first thing seen after the birth, when exiting the teepee. For example, your sister, running deer, and your brother howling wolf. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fu%^ing?" a44
-
Three men were working together building a sky skraper, An Italian, a mexican and a blonde american. They all sit down for lunch on a beam. The Italian opens his lunch and exclaims, " Pizza! If I get pizza one more day i'll jump off this beam!" The Mexican opens his lunch and exclaims, "Fajitas! If I get Fajitas one more day I'm going to jump off this beam!" The blonde American opens his lunch and yells, "Ham and cheese! If I get ham and cheese once more I'm going to jump off this beam!" The next day they all go to work and all get the same lunches. All three jump off the beam and fall to their deathes. At the funeral the wives of the three are greiving together. The Italian's wife laments, "If only I had know... I could have made him something other than pizza!" The Mexicans wife echoes her plea. They both look at the blonde americans wife expecting a similar lament, "What?" she asks, "he makes his own lunches!"
-
An ole man was sitting at the food court in the Mall eating his lunch and was staring at a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in alot of different colors...green, red, blue,yellow and orange. The teenager keep noticing the ole man staring at him all the time. The teenager finally turned to the ole man and said in a very sarcastically tone of voice...whats the matter ole man never done anything wild in your life??? The ole man answered with out batting an eye...yep got drunk once and had sex with a peacock I was just wondering if you were my son !!!!!!!!
-
An ole man was sitting at the food court in the Mall eating his lunch and was staring at a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in alot of different colors...green, red, blue,yellow and orange. The teenager keep noticing the ole man staring at him all the time. The teenager finally turned to the ole man and said in a very sarcastically tone of voice...whats the matter ole man never done anything wild in your life??? The ole man answered with out batting an eye...yep got drunk once and had sex with a peacock I was just wondering if you were my son !!!!!!!!
slider,
I have that one in my files j41 I like that one as well.
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
-
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one i6
Enjoy j2
Steve
Pheasant Hollow farm
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
-
s020 s020 s020
-
Enjoy!
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the
soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was,
too.
But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't
rung at all!
John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.
The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County
Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they awarded him the Pullets Surprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our
planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
j41
-
nice s020
-
Loved it. :laugh:
-
I hope this is ok. the college journalism grad at her first newspaper job. wanted to be a reporter kept bothering her boss. for a real reporting assignment.finally the boss called her in to the office and told her there was a story that she could report on.not much but a place to start. she was told to go to the Indian reservation and interviewthe people on there way of life. so all excited the would be reporter went to the reservation. the first Indian brave she encountered had a feather in his headband. she went right up to him and asked excuse me but why do you have one feather in your headband ? and the brave replied because me make love to one squaw. thats interesting she said and she took some notes. moving along she encountered another brave with three feathers. excuse me she asked but why do you have three feathers?and he said because me make love to three squaw. thats interesting she said and took some more notes. then she met the chief in his ceremonial headdress. she went right up to him and asked excuse me chief but why do you have so many feathers in your headdress. and he said because me make love to all squaw. and she replied OH how hostile! the chief said hostile , dogstyle , anystyle. OH dear she replied to witch the chief replied back no deer tail too high run too fast
-
I hope this is ok. the college journalism grad at her first newspaper job. wanted to be a reporter kept bothering her boss. for a real reporting assignment.finally the boss called her in to the office and told her there was a story that she could report on.not much but a place to start. she was told to go to the Indian reservation and interviewthe people on there way of life. so all excited the would be reporter went to the reservation. the first Indian brave she encountered had a feather in his headband. she went right up to him and asked excuse me but why do you have one feather in your headband ? and the brave replied because me make love to one squaw. thats interesting she said and she took some notes. moving along she encountered another brave with three feathers. excuse me she asked but why do you have three feathers?and he said because me make love to three squaw. thats interesting she said and took some more notes. then she met the chief in his ceremonial headdress. she went right up to him and asked excuse me chief but why do you have so many feathers in your headdress. and he said because me make love to all squaw. and she replied OH how hostile! the chief said hostile , dogstyle , anystyle. OH dear she replied to witch the chief replied back no deer tail too high run too fast
j45
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
-
Must have been from some eastern tribe. Everyone from the palins knows how to overcome such minor obstacles (especially in Wyoming, where the men are all man. And the sheep know it!
-
that must be why you are called WILDER gamebirds a24 a29 I always thought it was Vermont where the men are men and the sheep are nervous
-
Enjoy j2
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
On Election day, a Young Republicans vehicle died on a country road.....
Knowing he had to get his vote in he decided to take his chances hitching a ride..
5 minutes down the road a man pulls over and asks him if he needs a lift.
The voter was so relieved and hops into the car.
A few minutes into the trip the driver asks him if he had voted yet.
The youngster replies "No I was on my way to do so when my car broke down".
"Good thing I was around for you to get a lift to exercise your right to vote" said the driver.
Then the driver said "If you dont mind me asking what are you a Dem or Republican?"
The youth responded "Im a Proud Republi.....
But before he could finish his words...
The driver slammed on the breaks and started screaming at the young would be voter....
You no good lousy stinkin republican get out of my car.........
The young man shocked...Exited the car and stood in the middle of the road as the gentleman continued to rant and rave as he drove away.
so.....The young man again started on his desperate journey.....
A few minutes later another car pickedd him up.....
But the same thing happened and he found himself again in the middle of the road as a Nasty Democrat left him stranded on Election Day.....
Finally....Another car drove up.....It was a nice Red Convertible Sports Car......
When the young Republican ran to the car, he was awe-struck by this beautiful young woman driver who asked if he needed a ride.
He said yes and down the road they went.
A few minutes into the trip the young woman asked him if he had voted yet,
which his response was "not yet, I was on my way when my car broke down".
Then she asked what party he was voting for....
Hesitating for a moment.....
He thought......
Then said I'm voting Democratic Party...
The young woman perked up and said well that is great we have something in common.....
The young man was so relieved........
For the next few minutes the Young man could not help but notice the beauty of the woman driver.
Her long soft hair whisping gently in the air
Her Blouse, low cut, loose, rippeling softly in the breeze, the sun playing off her hair and supple breast.
Her short skirt riding ever higher revealing more and more of her beautiful shapely legs to the upper thigh........
"OH MY GOD YOU HAVE TO PULL OVER AND LET ME OUT OF THIS VEHICLE RIGHT NOW" Screamed the young man.....
The woman shocked slows down and stops at the side of the road.....
As the young man is exiting the car the woman asks;
"What is wrong?..
Why do you need to get out of the car?
Are you Ill?
The Young man gathers himself and says;
Look....This is wrong....Yoou need to go.......
I have been a Democrat for less than 5 minutes......
And already I am trying to figure out how to screw someone.........
-
Hee Haw Hee Haw Hee Hahahaha!
-
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.
7. You need only two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem
-
:grin: :grin: hopefully #s 3 and 6 do not go together
-
Yuck
-
There was a middle-aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph, enjoying the wind Blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great" he thought, and floored it some more. He looked in his rear view mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights Flashing, and siren blasting. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at more than 120 mph.
And then he thought "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him. The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and then I'm going on a two week vacation. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back" !!!
The State Trooper said, "HAVE A NICE DAY" !!!
-
s020
This is not a joke but, one of my cousin have already been almost arrested by the police. Once the policeman came beside his car he told : "Excuse-me I know I was over the speed limit but I have a f s53
-
s020
This is not a joke but, one of my cousin have already been almost arrested by the police. Once the policeman came beside his car he told : "Excuse-me I know I was over the speed limit but I have a f s53
I always thought it was the wine, rotten cheese, and the Germany soldiers marching through every few years. I now see it is genetic. s020
-
s020
Forgot to finish my sentence... : ""Excuse-me I know I was over the speed limit but I have a f s53 need "to go to bathrooms".
Frank
-
Problems from the ever ongoing battle of the raised/not raised toilet seat can be alleviated, by refraining from laughing out loud when you hear the splash/exclamation in the middle of the night. This isnot a sure thing though.
Best quote I have heard today, from 'Sir Charles Barkley', " Poor people have been voting for the Democrats for 50 years, and they are still Poor! "
-
Best quote I have heard today, from 'Sir Charles Barkley', " Poor people have been voting for the Democrats for 50 years, and they are still Poor! "
That's called Job Security.
-
Would you really expect them to eliminate their constituency?
-
Time to bring this one back up again, I saw this one recently.
Enjoy s020
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below.
She shouts to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me. I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, 'You must be a Republican!'
'I am,' replies the man. 'How did you know?' Well,' answers the balloonist, 'Everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me.'
The man smiles and responds, 'You must be a Democrat.'
'I am,' replies the balloonist. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' says the man, 'You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
-
s020 s020 s020 s020
-
Three women die and go to heaven
St. Peter tells them , "There is one rule up here. Never step on a duck."
There are thousands of ducks all over.
The first day, the first lady steps on a duck. St. Peter sees this and brings a very ugly guy with him and chains her to the man and tells her , "This is for eternity"
The second day, the second lady cannot avoid it and accidently steps on a duck.
St Peter doesn't miss a thing and brings a very ugly man with him and chains her to him. "This is forever!"
The third lady goes for a month and avoids stepping on any ducks. St Peter comes up to her and chains a very handsome young man to her. She is totally suprised. She looks at the young man and asks, "Why are you here?"" He says,' I don't know about you but I stepped on a duck!"
-
Here's one for today...
Enjoy s020
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he
noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being
pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a
nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar
and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how
to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren.'
-
j41 Nothing like a good joke to get you going in the morning!
-
If you get an email titled: Nude Photos of Sarah Palin, dont open its most likely a virus.
If you get an email titled: Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton, dont open it, it might be nude photos of Hillary Clinton.
-
Baby Airplanes
A mother and her son were flying on Southwest Airlines
> > from Dallas to
> > > Los Angeles . The son, who had been looking out the
> > window, turned to
> > > his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs
> > and big cats have baby
> > > cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
> > > The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told
> > her son to ask
> > > the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess,
> > 'If big dogs have baby
> > > dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
> > planes have baby
> > > planes?'
> > > The stewardess responded, 'Did your mother tell
> > you to ask me?'
> > > The boy said, 'Yes, she did.'
> > > 'Well, then, tell your mother that there are no
> > baby
> > >
> > > planes because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on
> > time.
> > > Have your mother explain that to you.'
-
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM........
"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so!" With an attitude he asked....... "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"
SC*** THOSE SHRINKS...... GO HAVE A DRINK AND TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!!
-
Blonde Joke s020
Enjoy!
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snowplow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snowstorm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?"
-
Blonde Joke s020
Enjoy!
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snowplow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snowstorm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?"
Hey Steve, leave the blondes alone s020 dont make a joke out of them, their too hot a24. I'll post a brunette joke later.
-
Well I found another one..
s020 enjoy!
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says:
'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!'
The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful America!'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East, and I am not American!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?'
She says, 'No, I am from Africa!' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'
The African lady checks her watch and says... 'Probably at work!'
IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS,
YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
-
Drafting Guys over 60
----this is so funny & obviously written by a Former MARINE-----
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing @$$-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. “My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry” we are impatient and maybe letting us kill some @$$ that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-beech.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any
pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. In the “New Army” now, “Get down and give me ... er .. One.”
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....We will have it secured the first night!
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so you can read it.
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
-
God bless the USA.
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar,
smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'
I pretty
-
As far as the sex part of it goes I must be 18 and do not know it...kinda like the ol cowboy who found out he was a Lesbian... s020
-
As far as the sex part of it goes I must be 18 and do not know it...kinda like the ol cowboy who found out he was a Lesbian... s020
I know that one.....and I may be one too ! s020
-
So that's why I been married 5 times, I AM a lesbian. Gotta get a tee shirt made.
j47
-
So that's why I been married 5 times, I AM a lesbian. Gotta get a tee shirt made.
j47
You, too, may well be a lesbian. However, the reason you've been married 5 times, is more likely because you are a masochist. Reminds me of a true story.
-
A sadist, and a masochist got married.
Everyone knew it had to be a perfect match.
On their wedding night, the masochist peeled, lay face down on the bed, and begged: Oh baaaaaaby, beat me, beat me.
"No"
-
Two friends met in a bar, one was a Dem, the other a Conservative.
The Dem says " Every time Obama has a rally he gets 18-20,000 people and McCain only gets 10,000.
The Conservative answers "thats because most McCain supporters are working then".
-
s020 so true.
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
-
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below.
She shouts to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.0 9 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, 'You must be supporting John McCain!'
'I am,' replies the man. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' answers the balloonist, 'everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me.
The man smiles and responds, 'You must be for Obama.'
'I am,' replies the balloonist. 'How did you know?' 'Well,' says the man, 'You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.'
-
One night during the local hunting season a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy country bar for possible DUI violations.
At closing time, he saw a hunter tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, then try his keys in five different cars before he found his. He sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
All the other hunters left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.00.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The hunter replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
-
j45
That's good.
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
-
Have you been watching the stock market????
Best advice I can give.
Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share, and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON.
Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:
Ceramic Toilet, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, and Northern Tissue Company.
Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your Ceramic Toilet, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas.
You may be interested to know that, Northern Tissue, touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.
It's a tough market out there. Be careful!
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
-
Two Rednecks were sitting around looking at the womens clothing section of a Sears catalog. One redneck said to the other, boy look at those women that they have forsale in this catalog. The other Redneck said yea and look how cheap they are. The first Redneck said I think that I will order me one and see how they are. The second Redneck said ok you do that and if she works out then I will order me one.
A couple of weeks later the second Redneck came by the first Rednecks house and ask him had the woman from the catalog came yet. The first redneck said not yet but she should be here soon...her clothes came today....
-
Two Rednecks were sitting around looking at the womens clothing section of a Sears catalog. One redneck said to the other, boy look at those women that they have forsale in this catalog. The other Redneck said yea and look how cheap they are. The first Redneck said I think that I will order me one and see how they are. The second Redneck said ok you do that and if she works out then I will order me one.
A couple of weeks later the second Redneck came by the first Rednecks house and ask him had the woman from the catalog came yet. The first redneck said not yet but she should be here soon...her clothes came today....
not yet but she should be here soon...her clothes came today....
j45 j45 j45 j45 j45 j45 s020 j45 j45 j45 j45 j45 j45
I gess ya gotta doo whatcha gotta duu, or jest go wit the flo. s020
That's the best one by yet. s98 slider s98
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
-
s020
-
awesome jokes guys im impressed j41 i got one :blonde mom was cooking thanksgiving dinner and her kitchen caught fire she dialed 911 /amazing she knew the number / and the fire dept ..said ,"maam how do we get to your house "...s176 she aggravated said ,"duhhh in your truck"... :-* j1
-
awesome jokes guys im impressed j41 i got one :blonde mom was cooking thanksgiving dinner and her kitchen caught fire she dialed 911 /amazing she knew the number / and the fire dept ..said ,"maam how do we get to your house "...s176 she aggravated said ,"duhhh in your truck"... :-* j1
That doesn't sound like a joke ode, it sounds more like a personal experience.
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
-
awesome jokes guys im impressed j41 i got one :blonde mom was cooking thanksgiving dinner and her kitchen caught fire she dialed 911 /amazing she knew the number / and the fire dept ..said ,"maam how do we get to your house "...s176 she aggravated said ,"duhhh in your truck"... :-* j1
That doesn't sound like a joke ode, it sounds more like a personal experience.
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
lol how didya know ? j1 heres another a blonde kidnapped a kid and sent him home with a ransome note, it read send 10000.00 or youll never see your kid again ..the kid came back 2 hrs later with the money and another note " how could one blonde do this to another?" s176 llol are you a blonde pleasant lol
-
lol how didya know ? j1 heres another a blonde kidnapped a kid and sent him home with a ransome note, it read send 10000.00 or youll never see your kid again ..the kid came back 2 hrs later with the money and another note " how could one blonde do this to another?" s176 llol are you a blonde pleasant lol
No,,,, actually I am getting quite gray. s49
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
-
A man walks into a restaurant
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
-
old joke:
Joe owned one of the finest bird dogs ever seen. It had won many trophies over the years. One day, Joe got a call from a friend named Bob, who asked if he could borrow the dog to go pheasant hunting on saturday.
Well, Joe told him that he never loaned his dog to hunt, and asked Bob if he had ever hunted with a dog. Bob said "Oh sure, grew up hunting with a dog". "Well then, you're a pretty good friend, I guess you can use him", Joe agreed.
Saturday, Bob showed up, and Joe brought out his champion dog and loaded him in the truck."Good luck", Joe said,"hope you brought plenty of shells, see you later". That evening, Bob came back to Joe's, and Joe came out to meet them. "Well, how many did you get?", Joe asked. "We didn't get any" Bob shouted. "That's unbelievable" Joe exclaimed.
Bob said,"Yea, it was the funniest thing, we got there, I loaded my gun, I let out your dog and we started hunting. All of a sudden, your dog stopped. He had his head pointing straight forward, his ears were straight forward, his back was straight as an arrow, his tail was pointing straight back, his one paw was lifted up off the ground, and he just stood there. Couple swift kicks in the @$$ broke him of that stuff".
-
Enjoy!
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
Hillbilly Medical Terms
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria...................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.....................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section....A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan..................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma.......................A punctuation mark.
D&C........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.....................Not a friend.
Fester.....................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
G.I.Series................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid....................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.......................I knew it.
Outpatient.............A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...............A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.......A letter carrier.
Recovery Room......Place to do upholstery.
Rectum..................Damn near killed him.
Secretion...............Hiding something
Seizure...................Roman emperor.
Tablet....................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor....................More than one.
Urine.....................Opposite of mine.
Varicose.................Near by/close by.
-
lol how didya know ? j1 heres another a blonde kidnapped a kid and sent him home with a ransome note, it read send 10000.00 or youll never see your kid again ..the kid came back 2 hrs later with the money and another note " how could one blonde do this to another?" s176 llol are you a blonde pleasant lol
No,,,, actually I am getting quite gray. s49
Steve Pheasant Hollow Farm
awww thats okay mine aint even gray mine come in white silver... but its okay theres always clairol ...lol s020 bad hair day poor little lol guy
-
keep the good jokes coming everyone have you heard this one: two poor bums are walking down the rr tracks ..neither of them has eaten for daysss...they come across a dead chicken on the tracks . it was definately old ,maggots were even crawling out of it. the first bum looks at the second one and says "you want it?" the second bum says" no go ahead ," the first bum chokes it down and seconds later he throws it back up, the second bum says" i knew if i waited i'd get a hot meal!" a31
-
s20
-
New Bird Dog
Bill and Jay went quail hunting. In the field, Bill tells his friend Jay that he and his new bird dog can basically talk to each other.
Jay says, "right, prove it."
So Bill points to some bushes and his dog runs over, sniffs around, then returns and barks six times. Bill says, "there are six birds in those bushes."
"Prove it", says Jay.
Bill takes a shot in the air and sure enough, six birds come flying out.
"That's great", says the Jay, "can I try that?"
Sure says Bill, so Jay points to some bushes and off goes the dog.
This time the dog is gone for awhile. When he finally returns, he runs up to Jay and starts pumping his leg. "Get this crazy, faggot dog off me." says Jay.
The dog stops and picks up a stick in his mouth and starts to shake it back and forth.
Jay says "You've got one crazy dog Bill." "You and that dog can't talk."
Bill says, Sure we can. He's telling me that there are more f_cking birds in there than you could shake a stick at!
-
:-o j11 c110 To Good
-
This is True & Funny My Grand Father invited a friend form Philadelphia down to S.C. to hunt Quail they were College Buddies from the Medical University So Ben (This is 19 30'S era ) came to Hunt Quail. Granpas dog Hurley was well trained and Steady on Birds . Ben's dog would flush the birds that Hurley would point & not back so about three times this Happened Hurley walked up to Ben lifted his leg and Peed on his leg, went and lay under the truck and wouldn't hunt the rest of the day. Tell me Dogs don't get Pissed off??
-
old farmer john sitting on the front porch in his rocker sees the neighbor boy walking down the road carrying a handfull of cattails. whatcha doin with those cattails says farmer john ? the boy replied goin to catch some cats! You dummy says farmer john you can,t catch cats with cattails. the boy walked on. later that evening the boy walked by heading home with a grain bag full of cats. farmer john just scratched his head. next morning the boy walked by with a roll of duck tape . farmer john yelled out whatcha doin with the duck tape? the boy replied gonna catch some ducks. you dummy says farmer john you cant catch ducks with duck tape. that evening the boy came by dragging the unraveled roll of duck tape with 30 ducks stuck to it. farmer john couldn,t believe his eyes. next morning the boy walks by farmer john yells out whatcha got today ? the boy replied pussywillows! farmer john jumped to his feet and yelled hold on a second let me get my hat.
-
This isnt about pussywillows s020
Hillary is walking through the mall with a huge ugly black dog.
Joe Biden walks up and says " Hillary whats with the dog" ?
Hillary says " I got it for Bill"
Biden says "Good trade".
-
j45 j11 j45 j16 j45 great jokes guys , even though a couple were a little bit close to s53 lol s98
-
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
-
j45
-
j41 j1 j41 j1 j41 s020 good one pretty bird
-
SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared
offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with
patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the
Receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
Wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME
HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to
look
at the very embarrassed man..
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO,
I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE
SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS..
-
j41 j45 j1 lol
-
s020 j44 001
-
Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Bunnings when they collide.
The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. 'What does your wife look like?'
The old timer says....... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'
Most Old timers are helpful like that!
-
j45
-
Little duck comes waddling into the hardware store. Goes up to the clerk and asks, "Got any duck food?"
Clerk looks at him and says, "No we don't have any duck food. We're a hardware store not a feed store!"
Next day the little duck waddles back and goes to the clerk, "Got any duck food?"
The clerk looks at him a nd says, "I told you yesterday, we don't have any duck food!"
Next day the little duck comes back in. The clerk sees him coming so he's prepared.
The little duck asks, "Got any duck food?"
The clerk says, "No we don't have any duck food and if you ask again I'll nai your feet to the floor with those roofing nails over there."
Bout a week later the little duck comes waddling in and goes to the clerk and asks, "Got any roofing nail?"
The clerk is amazed and tells the little duck, "No. Just sold the last ones yesterday!"
Little duck says, "In that case, got any duck food?"
-
j45 j41 got love those oldies !
-
My dear friends,
Somewhat embarrassing to admit, I'm not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below.
How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:
You need four maxi pads to make a pair.
Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.
The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.
Tape or glue each sid e of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.
Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc.
These slippers are:
* Soft and Hygienic
* Non-slip grip strips on the soles
* Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
* No more bending over to mop up spills
* Disposable and biodegradable
* Environmentally safe
* Three convenient sizes: (1.) Regular, (2.) Light and (3.) Get out the Sand Bags.
I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself....
Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for each one of you.
-
j45 j41 j45....do they come in pink ? j45 j41 j45
-
do they come in pink ?
Didn't really think that one through, did you?
-
It was so Windy here yesterday i saw a chicken lay the same egg 3 times.
-
Lary, I think you stole that from Minnie Pearle. Are you a member of Dave's Brittany message board?
-
No haven't been on many boards.
Larry Lain
-
do they come in pink ?
Didn't really think that one through, did you?
j2 course i did i like pink lol...It was so Windy here yesterday i saw a chicken lay the same egg 3 times.
s020
-
Lary, I think you stole that from Minnie Pearle. Are you a member of Dave's Brittany message board?
I'll let that one go s020
Bait and switch s020 j2
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
-
You're quicker than you look.
-
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.. ‘My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.’ The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. ‘My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.’ Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. ‘My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.’ With that the wolf jumps up and screams, ‘Will you knock it off, I’m trying to poop!’
-
You're quicker than you look.
You can correct, and then I will delete j41
Steve
Pheasant Hollow Farm
-
Do you know why gang bangers, hold and point there pistols sideways? It comes in the box that way! p33
-
You should see them try to load those bullets that come standing up! t15 s020
-
Do you know why gang bangers, hold and point there pistols sideways? It comes in the box that way! p33
j45
-
Try to remember this is a kid site as well.....that one is in poor taste.
-
yer right reeves ,sorry i get a little goofy sometimes :-[ it was a vague but suggestive comment i guess i just figuired as hunters yall'd think it funny..
-
WHY GOD MADE MOMS
All answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1.My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd GET rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
-
JBird,
From all of us mothers, grandmothers, and great-grandmothers in the forum.....thank you for the laugh. c181
-
s87 awesome jbird thanks for taking the time to post that j45
-
Thanks for the replies. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
-
HUSBAND DOWN
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price."
On the PA system: "Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down"
-
j45
-
More wifie stuff;
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage
man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your
wife,"
said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really
great
news. Which do you want to hear first?
"Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news
first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
found
your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked,
"What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five
pound king crabs and 6 good -size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned! Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the
great
news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
c53
-
icky, but j45
-
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa,
taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long,
Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard
heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!'
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down
to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the
leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was
one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike,
a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had
me!'
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it
for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees
him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that
something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that
conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on
his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of
running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he
hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the
old poodle says.
'Where's that [beeep] monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring
me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts... age and treachery will always
overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and
experience.
-
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v285/seesaw/how_to.png)
-
Labman, loved your ol'fart joke!
It's pretty close to right.
Don't mess with us ol'farts. You can't win. We've heard and/or done it all!! s020 s020
And as for your wallet.............maybe time to ask Santa for a year's supply !!
-
I am out of luck.....we only have 1 Home Depot here... s020
-
I did not hit you! I simply high-fived your face!! j1
-
j41 gotta get me some of those wallets! j2
-
:-X
-
Good ones Suz!!
-
TEACH HIM A LESSON
A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer’s yard.
The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on his land. The old farmer said, “Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule over there is over 25 years old and very, very sick but I don’t have the heart to kill her.
Would you do it for me?
The hunter said, “Sure” and headed for the car. Walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer said it was OK, he said, “No, we can’t hunt here, but I’m going to teach that old cuss a lesson.”
With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, “There, that will teach him!” A second shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his hunting buddies shouted, “I got the cow!!!”
-
j45 j41 j45 great jokes everyone i needed a laugh s98